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A Matter of Labels

Edward S. Sorenson

Ike Parkinson, of Bumpalong,
    Keeps an emporium,
And tradeth on his country’s wrong
    For any little sum;
He prints “Importer” on his bills,
But buys his goods at Sydney mills,
            For he is able,
            With a label,
    That pays no revenue,
To shift those mills to English hills,
    New York, or Timbuctoo.

So if you ask Ike Parkinson
    For plain Australian jam,
One thing you can depend upon—
    Its name is not a sham;
But if your prejudice is such
That nothing home-made you can touch,
            And you demand
            An English brand,
    ‘Twill be a “take-me-down,”
For ‘tis the label costs so much;
    The jam’s from Hobart Town.

“I’ll tell you this,” confided Ike,
    There’s Brown, of Bumpalong,
An’ there is Jones, of Hornypike,
    Two jam firms going strong;
Now, Jones has tried, but cannot win
The place he manufactures in;
            An’ neither can
            Our local man
    Acquire the local crowns;
But Bumpalong buys Jones’s tin,
    And Hornypike buys Brown’s.

“At first the jams were sent by Brown
    To Hornypike by dray,
An’ packed in cases from that town
    Jones’ product came this way;
Then we discussed the problem, and
We saw ‘twas but the ‘local brand’
            That caused demurs
            ‘Mong customers,
    An’ so we raised the price,
An’ swopping labels, local cann’d
    Just tasted twice as nice.

“No jams now come from Jones’s town
    Not e’en the tins,” said Ike;
“An’ nary case is sent by Brown
    For sale in Hornypike,
An’ though we sell Jones’ wrappers here,
An’ Brown’s in Hornypike, ‘tis clear
            If Brown was there
            An’ Jones was where
    His jam’s disseminated,
The makers then would be too near
    To be appreciated.”

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